Lent 2018 - Maundy Thursday

Another entry in the Lent diary from my friend who is fasting from food during this season:


Thursday, March 29, 2018                    Maundy Thursday

            It’s just a few minutes before our Maundy Thursday service, but I wanted to take a moment to briefly journal.  We are now entering into an intense couple of days for me personally and as a church as we celebrate the Tridiuum and Resurrection Sunday.  This is the worship highpoint of our year. 

            I just finished a prayer time.  I learned right before my prayer time of the shooting of the young man in Sacramento who was in his grandparent’s backyard with only his cell phone.  I don’t know what all will come out in this story.  I like to wait a bit just to get as clear a picture as I can.  But I do know my heart was full of sorrow during prayer this evening as I was mindful of a mother who lost a son and a family who lost a loved one.  I’m also sad about the societal brokenness that is a part of the bigger picture of this young man’s shooting, however complex it is.  I’m just sad.  This is a journal about my fasting, not my venturing into racial and political areas, but I thought I ought to note this past prayer time.  I think it is just another reminder of the brokenness of this world and the hurts that are all around us.  Someday Jesus will return.  The Resurrection gives me hope of this.  Someday there will be no more shootings.  Someday no more racial tensions.  Someday all our wounds shall be bound up and our hearts will be one in praise to the one on the throne who makes all things new.  Until that glorious day, we gather and remember Jesus’ commandment to us – “love one another as I have loved you.”

Have a blessed Maundy Thursday.

Lent 2018 - Wednesday of Holy Week

Another entry in the Lent diary from my friend who is fasting from food during this season:


Wednesday, March 28, 2018                Wednesday of Holy Week

            We are getting towards the end of Lent. I find myself thinking more and more about the feast of Easter and how to do that.  My wife and I talked a bit about that last night as far as how to do this well and have our kids take it in like they are supposed to.  A lot of it is telling the story, I think.  That’s a lot of what Holy Week is about.  We will have services on Thursday (footwashing), Friday, Saturday Easter Vigil, and of course Sunday.  It’s a lot of stuff and it takes a lot of people to do it, and I find myself very thankful.  I am thankful for all the work of staff and volunteers to make it work.  I am thankful for the church for participating.  And most of all, I am thankful to Christ for dying and rising again for us.  This week is so full, yet so amazing. 

            It’s funny, I had a few things removed from my plate this week.  I had a project I was doing (I don’t want to be too specific in order to maintain some anonymity), but it has been several weeks and many hours in the making, and on Monday I found out the whole thing was ruined.  A lot of wasted time – apart from the lesson learned.  Along with that I am watching sports less, and some of my other hobbies are on a down time, so I began to see the whole thing as God just clearing things away so I can focus where I need to this week.  My back is still an issue – I do wish back pain was something cleared away – but I guess that’s not the way it works.  It’s about focusing on Christ and the sufficiency of Jesus for me.  Is Jesus enough?  That’s kind of the whole thing with going without food.  I’m 43 days into this journey, and I think that means I’ve eaten 6 days of the last 43.  I’m hungry.  The medication I was just put on for my back is not good on an empty stomach, so I’m taking half doses.  I get really tired much earlier than normal.  But, I’m praying 4 times a day.  I’m confessing my sins to God in the morning and evening.  I’m reading scripture.  I’m contemplating the resurrection.  And, I really am full of thanks for many things. 

            I guess one thing I’d like to emphasize for anyone who is reading this and has been following along (God bless you).  I’m not a spiritual giant.  I struggle with prayer.  Being grateful is not a natural thing for me.  I’m more cynical and pessimistic.  But… but fasting does stuff to me.  I guess that’s why I’m so passionate about it.  God really works in this in my life.  It has impacted me in ways I have not expected.  And I am thankful.  It really is about the power of God working in me to transform me.  I am not doing this stuff by my own strength.  I am an emotional eater and have less impulse control than I’d like, and yet here I am fasting.  Also, while I tend to be pessimistic, there is one thing that gives me real hope.  Hope like nothing else I’ve experienced.  I really do have hope because of Easter.  I don’t trust this life.  There is too much that is unfair.  Death happens.  Illness happens.  Good people get bad diseases.  Innocent people have horrible things happen to them.  But then along comes the Resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ to show us that death has been defeated and evil undone.  It is possible that the Lord will truly, one day, give back the years the locusts have eaten.  Blessed are those who mourn, because someday they will receive back their dead through the resurrection.  The Resurrection of Jesus shows me that no matter how bad evil is, no matter how much it steals, no matter how much it hurts, the power of the Living God can undo all of that in but a moment and even transform the scars left behind into signs of glory.  I absolutely cannot think of anything more hopeful than that.  So I am thankful for fasting, because it helps me be more focused on that event that is of most importance to my life instead of on all the distractions I face. 

 

Prayer for Wednesday from Book of Common Prayer

            Lord God, whose blessed Son our Savior gave his body to be whipped and his face to be spit upon: Give us grace to accept joyfully the sufferings of the present time, confident of the glory that shall be revealed; through Jesus Christ your Son our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever.  Amen.

Holy Week - 2018

Victim Divine, Thy grace we claim,
While thus Thy precious death we show:
Once offered up a spotless Lamb,
In Thy great temple here below,
Thou didst for all mankind atone,
And standest now before the throne.

Thou standest in the holy place,
As now for guilty sinners slain;
The blood of sprinkling speaks, and prays,
All prevalent for helpless man;
Thy blood is still our ransom found,
And speaks salvation all around.

The smoke of Thy atonement here
Darkened the sun, and rent the veil,
Made the new way to Heaven appear,
And showed the great Invisible;
Well pleased in Thee, our God looked down,
And calls His rebels to a crown.

He still respects Thy sacrifice;
Its savor sweet doth always please:
The offering smokes through earth and skies,
Diffusing life, and joy, and peace;
To these, Thy lower courts, it comes,
And fills them with divine perfumes.

We need not now go up to Heaven,
To bring thelong sought Savior down;
Thou art to all already given,
Thoudoste’en now Thy banquet crown:
To every faithful soul appear,
And show Thy real presence here!

-- Charles Wesley, 1745

Lent 2018 - Day 36

Another entry in the Lent diary from my friend who is fasting from food during this season:


Wednesday, March 21, 2018                          Day 36 of Lent

                  Physically things are beginning to take a toll on me.  I am tired more often.  I have some hunger pangs now.  My back is not doing well today, so I’m in pain with that.  And I’m cold.  My body temperature drops or something, so I have to dress warmer and use a space heater at times.  But the end is in sight.  This Sunday is Palm Sunday and then we are into Holy Week.  We do quite a few worship services for Holy Week – Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, so I’ll have a few messages to prepare and lots of logistics to figure out as well as a lot of volunteers to have in place.  On top of that, I am beginning to feel a bit of pressure.  Easter is my favorite day of the year and is such a joyous celebration that I want to properly convey that in my message on Easter morning so that anyone present, whether long time attender or visitor knows that Jesus Christ rose from the dead, trampling death by death and upon those in the tombs bestowing life and that it is a really big deal with life changing implications.  One of the effects of this Lenten preparation I am finding, is it adds a very physical and visceral quality to the rejoicing on Easter morning.  It’s more than just eating again, too.  The ability to eat and feast is a manifestation of the reality that death’s power has been broken and in the Resurrected Christ we receive life.  I feel excited and emotional even typing this stuff because it awakens in me such joy and hope that it really is hard to contain. 

 

                  It’s early, but some words I have been reading today:

                 

“Let none fear death, for the death of the Saviour has set us free. 

                  Christ is risen and the demons have fallen.

                  Christ is risen and the angels rejoice.”                        

-St. John Chrysostom

 

                  “He whom none may touch is seized;

                  He who looses Adam from the curse is bound.

                  He who tries the hearts and inner thoughts of man is unjustly brought to trial;

                  He who closed the abyss is shut in prison.

                  He before whom the powers of heaven stand with trembling stands before Pilate;

                  The Creator is struck by the hand of his creature.

                  He who comes to judge the living and the dead is condemned to the Cross;

                  The Destroyer of hell is enclosed in a tomb.

                  O thou who dost endure all these things in thy tender love,

                  Who hast saved all men from the curse,

                  O longsuffering Lord, glory to thee.”                           

-Orthodox prayers on Vespers of Great Friday

 

“(Easter) is the explosion of cosmic joy at the triumph of life, after the overwhelming sorrow over death – death which even the Lord of life had to suffer when he became man.”     

-Fr. Dumitru Staniloae

 

“All ye that seek the Lord who died, Your God for sinners crucified,

Prevent the earliest dawn and come, to worship at his sacred Tomb.

 

Bring the sweet spices of your sighs, your contrite hearts, and streaming eyes,

Your sad complaints, and humble fears; Come and embalm him with your tears.

 

While thus ye love your souls t’employ, Your sorrow shall be turned to joy

Now, now let all your grief be over! Believe and ye shall weep no more.

 

An earthquake hath the cavern shook, and burst the door and rent the rock,

The Lord hath sent his angel down, and he hath rolled away the stone.

 

As snow behold his garment white, his countenance as lightning bright;

He sits and waves a flaming sword, and waits upon the rising Lord.

 

The third auspicious morn is come and calls your Saviour from the tomb,

The bands of death are torn away, the yawning tomb gives back its prey.

 

Could neither seal nor stone secure, nor men, nor devils make it sure?

The seal is broke, the stone cast by, and all the powers of darkness fly

 

The body breathes and lifts his head, the keepers sink and fall as dead;

The dead restored to life appear, the living quake, and die for fear.

 

The Lord of life is risen indeed, to death delivered in your stead;

His rife proclaims your sins forgiven, and shews the living way to heaven.

God tell the followers of your Lord, their Jesus is to life restored;]

He lives that they his life may find; He lives, to quicken all mankind.

-Charles Wesley

 

Lent 2018 - Day 31

Another entry in the Lent diary from my friend who is fasting from food during this season:


Friday, March 16, 2018             Day 31 of Lent

            Tuesday I woke up feeling gross.  This is kind of what happens when my body adjusts to just drinking water, juice and some chocolate milk and then on Mondays I eat lots of stuff.  It’s almost like a hangover.  I feel sluggish and my stomach felt gross.  The strange thing then is fasting on Tuesdays is a welcome thing.  By the time I get to Thursday, however, I am ready to eat again.  My hunger is not too bad though.  I am a bit more tired now, and cold, but besides that, my body is holding up well.  My back is still an issue.  That does force me to pray more and think more about how to rely upon God.  It’s still a struggle. 

            The prayer for this week is

Gracious Father, whose blessed Son Jesus Christ came down from heaven to be the true bread which gives life to the world: Evermore give us this bread, that he may live in us, and we in him; who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and forever. Amen.

            One of the readings this week from the two-year lectionary was Mark 8:1-10, the feeding of the 4,000.  In verse two, Jesus says, “I have compassion for the crowd because they have been with me now for three days and have nothing to eat.”  This verse hit me in a very different way in the midst of a fast.  It’s not necessarily saying they were fasting during the three days.  Jesus just says that they did not have anything to eat.  But in the next verse, he says that if he sends them away, they will faint on the way because of hunger, so whatever the specifics of the situation, these crowds had forgone their immediate needs in terms of food for the sake of listening to Jesus.  Am I doing that?  Furthermore, am I willing to lay everything down just in order to listen to Jesus?  There was just something challenging for me in that little story that wasn’t before.  I think we focus on the miracle, and that makes sense, but the miracle came to a people Jesus had compassion on and a people that were being taught by Jesus.  They sacrificed in order to be taught.  Of course, all of that leads to Jesus miraculously giving them bread, which then led my mind to the prayer for the week.  Jesus Christ is the true bread – “ever more give us this bread that he may live in us and we in him”  May that be my prayer.

            So I guess, whether it is my back or my fasting – whatever it is, Jesus is to be the real bread that feeds my soul.  That is what I want, but I find myself hesitant to make sacrifice all too often.  I think one of the real benefits of fasting like this is the intentionality of sacrifice for the sake of listening to Jesus.  I am not convinced that I would just do this naturally.  I need the rhythms and traditions of the church to sweep me into this narrative and this way of life, and I am often surprised by what this discipline in one area of my life brings out in others.  On that note, I remember the first time I did this sort of fast throughout Lent.  I went into it thinking a lot about the physical challenge and wondering how that would work out.  I was blown away by what happened spiritually and emotionally.  As I have continued this tradition, I am not as surprised by the fact that these other areas are addressed or exposed, but I am continually surprised by how fasting opens up areas in my life and soul that I was not expecting. 

Lent 2018 - Day 26

Another entry in the Lent diary from my friend who is fasting from food during this season:


Sunday, March 11, 2018                       Day 26 of Lent

            It’s late Sunday night, but I just wanted to add a few things about today.  Saturday and this morning I prayed a bit for the folks that would attend worship this morning.  I did this in part because of a story that Matthew told me about Billy Graham and how he would often be found prior to a crusade, on his face, weeping in prayer for people.  I know I need to pray for that sort of thing, but I don’t do it enough.  So I did. I was surprised at how easily it came.  I’ve prayed for the service before, but it often doesn’t feel like much… I don’t know.  Anyway, I do believe I did feel God’s presence as I prayed for folks who would be at worship.  This week’s message happened to be a pretty good salvation type message anyway, so I hoped.  Then today at worship I was surprised to see two people I’ve had some contact with recently that I hope to see come to faith or really commit themselves to Jesus.  I am not sure how it all went for them. I was not able to catch them before they left, but I am praying.

Lent 2018 - Day 24

Another entry in the Lent diary from my friend who is fasting from food during this season:


Friday, March 09, 2018             Day 24 of Lent

            Being that the Lenten season actually spans 46 days (as Sundays don’t count in the 40), day 23 was the half way point of the journey.  This means I am over half way to Easter.  I have hunger here and there, but my body is still doing pretty well.  I drink chocolate milk and juice most days and lots of water.  My prayer is consistent – even through this past week which has been exceptionally busy.  I’ve had a couple of mornings where I’ve had to be on the road early, but even then I’ve had good prayer time in the car.  I’ve said this before, but I really appreciate how fasting positively affects my prayer life.  I don’t yet have the intimacy with God that I imagine I’d like – at least in prayer, but then on the other hand I was talking with some missionaries the church supports today and they asked about my background and testimony and I was really emotional telling about God’s work in my life, and then again as I talked about the ways God is moving in our ministry to our community.  As I reflect upon that emotion and try to get behind it, I think I was feeling an overwhelming sense of gratitude and realization of God’s work by God’s grace alone. 

            This goes along with the prayer for the week, I think:

            Almighty God, you know that we have no power in ourselves to help ourselves: Keep us both outwardly in our bodies and inwardly in our souls, that we may be defended from all adversities which may happen to the body, and from all evil thoughts which may assault and hurt the soul; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, forever and ever. Amen.

 

            I have no power in myself to help myself.  Take care of me Lord. 

Lent 2018 - Day 20

Another entry in the Lent diary from my friend who is fasting from food during this season:


Monday, March 5, 2018         Day 20 of Lent

            I realized I haven’t written in this journal for the better part of a week, so I wanted to write today.  Today is eating day, which is wonderful!  The past few days I’ve had more hunger spells, which makes sense as I’ve eaten only three days of the last 20.  I started drinking a bit of chocolate milk on Thursday, in part to keep my energy at a decent level, but also in part to help with my body healing.  The doctor said that my lack of nutrition has probably slowed my body’s healing process, so my back pain has lingered.  I was able to see him last Thursday and he gave me an injection that acts as an anti-inflammatory. 

            My prayer life has been steady and good.  I still hunger to feel more intimacy with God – or maybe to just be more aware of God’s presence and how close he is to me.  Last week’s prayer – for the 2nd week of Lent, really hit me a few times:

O God, whose glory it is always to have mercy: Be gracious to all who have gone astray from your ways, and bring them again with penitent hearts and steadfast faith to embrace and hold fast the unchangeable truth of your Word, Jesus Christ your Son

Praying that God would be gracious to all who have gone astray – and believing that God would be gracious with me, was a helpful thing. 

            Finally, one thing that is happening as my fast continues, and I don’t know if this is something with blood sugar or not, but I get more task oriented and focused.  My productivity increases, but it’s not as fun.  Also, I am going to bed earlier and earlier.  Partly because I’m tired, but also because I usually snack at night, and with that gone I don’t enjoy the evenings as much.  It is fascinating how emotionally dependent I am upon food.  My prayer is that as my dependency on food is stripped away, my reliance upon God will grow. 

Lent 2018 - Day 15

Another entry in the Lent diary from my friend who is fasting from food during this season:


Wednesday, February 28, 2018    Day 15 of Lent
    Prayer and fasting are a bit of a struggle today. I’m not sure what it is.  I am hungry and a bit fatigued.  My focus is lacking. My back is bothering me.  The issue with my back has been difficult, not only physically with the pain and how that limits what I can do, but emotionally it is hard because I get frustrated and wonder if and when it will end.  I have great sympathy for folks who have had chronic pain for years.  You cannot underestimate the toll that takes on your emotional self.  Anyway, I have hunger pangs now and getting into prayer today was more difficult.  
    During my scripture reading, one of the assigned readings was from Mark 4 – the parable of the sower and seeds.  The third soil was full of thorns.  People hear the word, but “the cares of the world and the lure of wealth, and the desire for other things come in and choke the word, and it yields nothing.”  Of course, we want our hearts to be the good soil, but the traps of this third soil got me today.  How many of us can say we are not distracted by the cares of the world?  You don’t have to idolize money to be pulled away by the lure of wealth.  I mean, how much have I thought about personal finances, will I have enough for retirement or that sort of thing?  I don’t have to chase the new cars and boats to struggle with the ‘desire for other things.’  What takes my attention?  The results of this third soil and thorns are “it yields nothing.”  
    Fasting is challenging because as this one thing is stripped away from me, it’s like the whole house of cards comes tumbling down, and I realize how tied in to this world I am.  

 

Lent 2018 - Day 14

 

One of my closest friends practices fasting better than anyone I've ever met. Nearly every year during Lent, he fasts from food for six days in a row, eats on the Sabbath, and begins again the following day. I recently asked him to write about this practice, but being more Scripturally and spiritually attuned than I am, he begged off. Still, feeling there was value in others being able to read about this practice and with the possibility that others might even try to fast for a day for the first time in their lives, I convinced him to do it anonymously on my blog. He's going to keep a sort of diary each day and I'm going to share it here. I hope you find my friend's journey exciting and convicting. 

-Matthew

 

Tuesday, February 27, 2018               Day 14 of Lent

            Sunday evening I felt pretty hungry. I write that because that was unusual for last week, but I was ready to move into my eating day yesterday.  A couple of things are developing though, in regards to my eating.  First off, my stomach has shrunk down a bit, so I feel full a lot quicker than I normally would.  This creates a problem because I often feel like I really need to eat on the day I eat, but I am not really able to eat as much as I initially want.  On top of all of that, I eat like I normally would.  Richard Foster, in his book, “Celebration of Discipline” talks about extended fasting (in an excellent chapter, btw) and that when you come off an extended fast you should ease into it with fruits and things like this.  This is not how I do it, and my stomach hates me today for it.  It’s a strange experience, but waking up the morning after eating, I feel a bit more sluggish and I have a bad taste in my mouth.  Tuesday ends up being a day of getting back into balance.  A final note on eating: I notice that our diet contains a lot of sodium.  In our household, we aren’t even eating a ton of processed foods, really.  But there is salt and sodium in everything, and I taste it more and more the longer the fast goes on. 

            My prayer life has gone well this year.  There have only been a couple of times that I am not praying the four offices (morning, noon, evening, bedtime) each day.  One of the things I find with my fasting is that I am much more consistent with prayer.  It becomes a normal part of my routine.  And I never know what is going to grab me from my prayer books.  I think one of the things I want to focus on this week is the personal and relational aspect of prayer with God.  By that I mean, I am experiencing much better focus, and I am challenged and convicted.  I am aware of my dependence upon God, and I also feel grateful during different times.  There is something about going without a main part of your life that brings into focus those things you take for granted and yet that are so important.  These are all good and important things in the fast, but I think I need to either take note or pray more intentionally about experiencing the presence of God and the love of the Holy Spirit. 

            I’ll close with a reading from the Divine Hours that I read last night.  It is a Celtic prayer:

 

            The will of God be done by us;

            The law of God be kept by us;

            Our evil will controlled by us;

            Our sharp tongue checked by us;

            Speedy repentance made by us;

            Temptation sternly shunned by us;

            Blessed death welcomed by us;

            Angel’s music heard by us;

            God’s highest praises sung by us.